I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water