Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird