[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
You Might Also Like
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*