Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
You Might Also Like
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.