I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine