Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I found your tweet-up…
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒