It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me irl
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks