Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?