Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
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Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long