ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
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Beards are a privilege, not a right
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts