sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
You Might Also Like
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
#JohnTravolta
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.