Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I drew y’all a little something.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?