I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
You Might Also Like
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
just pretend nothing happened
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.