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My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining