I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
groan^2
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.