Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.