Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy