CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
j o i m p
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses