Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Kentucky names the shit out of places
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.