By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You Might Also Like
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
This is my favorite one of these!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?