Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me too, bag. Me too….
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.