I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND