[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.