[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.