it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”