age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
i think both sides are to blame here
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect