Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
doing some research
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
he looks great for his age
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.