I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
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Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Ugh but profoundly
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
your honor my client chooses dare