Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
She doesn鈥檛 have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
You don鈥檛 wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you鈥檙e going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Would like to think i鈥檓 a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it鈥檚 transient, shifting like water
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 馃ゲ
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef