Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.