Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Ha.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Perfect.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.