If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not