Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.