Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
You Might Also Like
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?