Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
You Might Also Like
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.