Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
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imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.