“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.