When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice