No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?