I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know