[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Life hack
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Every time.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?