I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
You Might Also Like
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.