Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Well, that should do it
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood