[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I told my vodka about you.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*seductively eats two tums*
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.