I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy