Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this