My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”