4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
scares
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine