Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy