Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
You Might Also Like
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
classic mixup
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.