If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
yeah 😭
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?