The asteroid..
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
inventing words: clothing
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Mountain Goat : )
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people